Tom Lloyd

Dear Mr. L Tennis Association,

I hereby submit my application to be included in next year’s Wimbledon tournament as a wild-card British entry. I realise that you may require some sort of qualifications to consider me for the main draw so here they are:

First of all I can play tennis. Not very well, but no one’s expecting me to win a match to I fail to see how that would really matter. I’ve played a few matches for my club’s second team and, with a bit of a run-up, can hit most of the shots. I don’t like volleying very much but that’s not obligatory is it?

Secondly, I have my own racquet. I have two. They are blue. I realise it would be embarrassing for you, Mr LTA, if I had to borrow one of my opponent but if I break my strings my dad’s got one I could borrow. Actually, could he and I play in the doubles, or is that not allowed now he’s a pensioner?

Thirdly, and most crucially to my mind, I could do with the money. Serious, I’m a novelist, but I’m not very good at it. A cheque for £10,000 would really help pay off the credit cards. I’d try really really hard so you’d get your money’s worth. As much as you would with anyone else anyway.

Lastly, I’m quite happy to get my ass kicked. None of the real pros would have to worry about losing, I might get a game though sheer luck but I’m not beating anyone and so would prove no more of an obstacle than the rest of the British wild-card contingent. If the ones who’re pros want to play they can go through the qualifiers, clearly I’m not good enough for that so could it be my turn next year to get money for an ass-kicking? I promise to be more entertaining for the crowd, quite possible by breaking Marat Safin’s on-court swearing record. I will also try as hard as I can to hit my opponent in the nuts, it’s something of a speciality of mine. You just ask Steve down at the club.

Anyways, hope you’re well, look forward to hearing.

Best,

Tom Lloyd. Age 30 and ¼