At the UN yesterday Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner issued a strident demand that former British Army Corporal Angus “Hardaz” McNails return the Argentine bullet that has been lodged in his hip for the last thirty years. In a rousing speech that was applauded by both the Venezuelan and Iranian ambassadors, President Fernandez described the corporal’s latest refusal to return Argentine property as yet another example of British Colonial Imperialism and nothing at all to do with distracting domestic voters with shiny things they could get excited about.
When pressed for a comment, McNails said only, ‘bugroff’ in response to Mrs Fernandez’s appeal and was repeatedly ill on our reporter’s shoes. The subsequent gestures implied that he was unwilling to return the Argentine-owned natural resource cruelly trapped between his femoral artery and unyielding imperialist hip-bone. His replies were angrily rebuffed by President Chavez of Venezuela who took to state television to decry, ‘cats! Cats in the Malvinas! I’ve got a horsey you know?’ to rapturous applause from a carefully selected audience of terrified lackeys.
President Obama said in remarks to the World Economic forum that he ‘couldn’t give two fucks about a pair of broke countries squabbling over some shit or other’. He added that America would only begin to pay attention if the CIA could verify that there remained trace amounts of oil on the bullet as that’s the only time he can ever persuade Congress to dig out their copy of the Lord’s Creation map for five-year-olds that they use for all military interventions.
British Prime Minister Cameron urged President Fernandez to continue to rant and thus distract his own mindless countrymen while Nadine Dorries goes on holiday and can’t be relied upon to maintain production of deranged crap for the next few weeks. Furthermore, he reminded his counterpart that the British Army was just looking for an excuse to run away from their current engagements and find an enemy who could be relied-upon to wear obvious uniforms rather than ‘those ghastly scarf-thingies’.
An Argentine general back in Buenos Aires who was this week in charge of the pointy stick, looked nervous at the prospect of facing armed, combat-experienced troops rather than terrified, blindfolded civilians, but Brigadier Sir Michael Featherstonehaugh-Smyth reassured his opposite number that fuel costs would prohibit either force from getting within five thousand miles of each other and ‘mummy wouldn’t allow that sort of horse-play anyway’ before offering the general a nice cup of tea.