Staines still the most bullied of English towns

Recent research into the deepening problem of inter-city bullying has revealed that Staines continues to be sniggered at behind its back by other English towns and cities.

‘It’s pronounced “St Annes”’ insisted the hapless town in an interview this morning before breaking down in tears. ‘Ok, so not even we can believe that one, but we really are Staines-upon-Thames and that makes us all smart and royal right? So why do the other towns still pick on us? I mean, come on – Reading just won’t shut up about “Seamen-upon-Thames” as though it’s a funny for the twentieth time.

‘Just because it’s bigger than we are, Reading thinks we can just get pushed around. But nooooo, when we point out the irony of calling a town Reading when it’s inhabited by illiterate troglodytes none of the other towns laugh, they don’t even get it. Bracknell just spat on our shoes and Maidenhead called us a word that frankly, is doubly insulting when it comes from a place that sounds like a euphemism for its favourite swearword. But did anyone let up when we pointed that out? No, we just got out lunch-money stolen instead.’

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